{"id":180,"date":"2014-08-08T16:59:31","date_gmt":"2014-08-08T06:59:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/janineprince.com\/?p=180"},"modified":"2015-01-30T14:25:21","modified_gmt":"2015-01-30T04:25:21","slug":"confessional-quirk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/janineprince.com\/home\/confessional-quirk\/","title":{"rendered":"Confessional quirk"},"content":{"rendered":"

Over the last two <\/a>weeks <\/a>we\u2019ve looked at themes of provisional living and choice. Like all victors I get to write my own history so they\u2019ve been about fairly positive aspects of that experience. Both focussed around \u2018stuff\u2019 as that is an external thing and it can be quantified and measured. So reassuring. Stuff has let me start exploring the topic of freedom, which is what I think we\u2019re edging towards talking about.<\/p>\n

Before we get there, it is worthwhile talking about a choice that didn\u2019t go so well and some payoffs from provisional living that haven\u2019t been so easy to give up.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t given up making voluntary contributions to my superannuation account. Even though I know it is essentially futile. I still want to believe that somewhere in a future I might get to are golden days of leisure where I am \u2018retired\u2019 but still physically functional. I *know* right?! That retirement age went up to 70 years of age already. As the Boomers\u2019 demographic bulge really hits the retirement costs wall, that will be bumped up again, we all know it.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t given up on fantasising about which set of high-end luggage I will buy (I favour Rimowa<\/a>) when I start travelling the world in this mythical parallel life where I have the same income but somehow no costs of living or debt responsibilities (and I don\u2019t get homesick every 5 days).<\/p>\n

I keep promising myself that *next* spring I\u2019ll get the garden going properly and get back into growing at least tomatoes so that I\u2019m not totally dependent on other people and fossil fuels for every single thing I eat. I believe there\u2019s still plenty of time to get that organised and somehow it doesn\u2019t quite make it up my list of priorities, but you can guarantee I\u2019ll rant about toms being $10 a kilo come February.<\/p>\n

This little list of hypocrisies is barely indicative of how many deals there are still in place. Maybe you\u2019ve got some deals of your own \u2013 where rationally you know one thing, but behaviourally you just keep hooking in to doing the thing you\u2019ve always done. Maybe you\u2019ve \u2018made\u2019 a whole bunch of choices without ever really thinking about it. Why aren\u2019t you vegetarian? Why do you have a credit card? Why do you watch tv in the evening? Why do you assume this is the only way it can be?<\/p>\n

Last year, as these questions began piling up, I tried to find the unified theory that would answer these conundrums and deliver unto me a blazing, pure path of honesty, integrity and clarity. I hoped that wanting this very very intensely and visualising it as though it had already appeared would help to manifest this life-changing awakening. I knew in my heart that when it came, I would be incandescent in every sense, the wisdom of all the ages would illuminate my problems and my failings with pure love, and they would melt into submission in the face of ultimate reality.<\/p>\n

Beautiful no?<\/p>\n

Ah, beautiful indeed. While I waited for this magnificence to manifest, I kept working hard and diligently at everything. I felt the pain of my failings and of my compromises. I felt like a fraud at the deals I made to keep going. I pushed through the fatigue of commuting, the hollowness of a meaningless job and the maintained the fa\u00e7ade of a good modern cog \u2013 I was productive.<\/p>\n

Without making a choice, I had chosen denial. I was, with the very best of intentions, breaking myself.<\/p>\n

Eventually, I failed at breaking myself. In the aftermath, I realised my golden answer, my unified theory, my \u2018access all areas\u2019 lanyard was simply not coming. (Let me be clear, this is (or will be) a Very Good Thing even though at the time it was hard to handle.)<\/p>\n

Where I am struggling, is that in-between the pushing to make it so, and the failing to change, I\u2019m in a place of confusion. Some things (stuff!) are under my control and some things (climate change) just kindof aren\u2019t. No matter how much I reduce my carbon footprint and make my boyfriend think twice about his use of the clothes-dryer I can\u2019t stop the polar ice-caps melting. If no one is going to listen to Al Gore without getting snarky about what car he drives, who am I to try to change the world while I own a car at all? Hmmm.<\/p>\n

More than confusion. I just gave up. But that\u2019s not living from my values either. The sun keeps coming up each morning and the wheel of this year is turning. I am asking, not for a golden answer now, but for a way to muddle forward. I\u2019m asking for sustainable freedom and my deepest wish is that you and I will find it together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Over the last two weeks we\u2019ve looked at themes of provisional living and choice. Like all victors I get to write my own history so they\u2019ve been about fairly positive aspects of that experience. Both focussed around \u2018stuff\u2019 as that is an external thing and it can be quantified and measured. So reassuring. Stuff has […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7,4],"tags":[36,40,41,38,34,12],"class_list":["post-180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-not-writing","category-thinking","tag-choice","tag-denial","tag-failure","tag-freedom","tag-philosophy","tag-travel"],"yoast_head":"\nConfessional quirk - Janine Prince<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/janineprince.com\/home\/confessional-quirk\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Confessional quirk - Janine Prince\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Over the last two weeks we\u2019ve looked at themes of provisional living and choice. 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